dj_esebel | No amount of coffee, no amount of crying [For Ed]

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying [For Ed]

It'd been stuck in her head for days and Audrey kind of hated herself for it. It wasn't The Weepies' fault, but I Gotta Have You was kind of ruined for her ever since she'd sung it to Ed over the phone. Now it just reminded her of him, which, in turn, reminded her of the whole mess she'd gotten into. Whether or not he did have feelings for her and whether or not she had feelings for him, everything was all screwed up.

But at least she had a warm afternoon and her guitar. Sitting out on the steps of her RV, Audrey plucked out the melody. Maybe she could work out the demons with music. It'd gone okay before. "Gray, quiet and tired and mean, picking at a worried seam," she sang softly, mostly to her guitar than anyone else. "I try to make you mad at me over the phone."

Mostly, she just felt kind of sad.

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Ed had been meaning to come for a while now, as evidenced by the fact that this was the third bouquet he'd bought, having wimped out the last few times after buying one. Ever since that day he'd run away from her he felt miserable. Both because he'd done such a shitty thing and because he missed her. He didn't talk to her every day normally but he talked a lot and the absence of her in his life was noticeable.

So he had come bearing flowers (and tucked inside, two round trip tickets to Florida for whenever she wanted to go) and a heaping amount of guilt. But apologizing was the right thing to do, even if she was so mad at him she didn't want to talk to or see him.

He found her outside of her trailer, on the steps, singing "their" song. Or at least the one she sang to him over the phone to help him go to sleep. His voice wasn't as nice as hers but as he got closer he couldn't help but sing along.

"Red eyes and fire and signs, I'm taken by a nursery rhyme. I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home..."

When she heard his voice, Audrey's heart jumped and her fingers slipped on the guitar's neck, turning on of the cords a little sour. With a little adjustment, she brought it into the chorus, using the music to buy herself a little time. For the first time in two weeks, Ed was here to see her, holding a bouquet no less.

"No amount of coffee, no amount of crying, no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine. No, no, no, no, no, nothing else will do..." Her voice faltered here because the last line was a little too honest, more honest than she thought she knew how to be with her own emotions. "I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

Improvising an outtro, she leaned against her guitar. "Hey."

"Hey," he said, doing his best to give her a smile. At least she was talking to him and hadn't tried to murder him yet so he took that as a good sign. Ed had practiced what he was going to say, mostly because everything was so jumbled up and he wanted to try and get everything out. Right now though all he could think of was how badly he wanted to hold her.

"There are part of an apology," he said, holding out the flowers to her. "And the rest is... the rest I'm just going to babble but I need to get it out? I get if you're upset with me but before you say anything I'd like to apologize?"

She couldn't remember the last time anyone had brought her flowers like this. Occasionally, she got a single flower or some other trinket from Diwata fans and she had a whole rack of kandi bracelets from working raves, but a full bouquet? Audrey couldn't remember. "They're beautiful," she said, bending down to inhale the scent and take the bouquet.

"Come inside then." Audrey stood up and opened her door. The RV was neater than it had been, mostly thanks to Ignacio's intervention, and there was plenty of space on the couch.

"So..." she started, uncertain.

"So I'm an asshole," Ed said as he stepped into the RV. It was cleaner than before, which was surprising, but not really important at all. He could even sit down on the couch, which he did, before standing up again because he felt too restless about this to sit. Hopefully he didn't start pacing.

"I heard you call my name outside of the Quill two weeks ago and I just kept walking. And that was pretty shitty of me. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry. I just- I saw that stupid story about you and that other guy and I just- I don't even know. I like you, Audrey. A lot. As more than just a friend. I have other friends I care about and I even have sex with some of them but I don't feel the same about them as I do you. You're special to me. And when I saw that you and that guy had- he's the type of guy that seems perfect for you. The mustache, the tattoos... I felt completely inadequate and I don't think I've ever felt that way. And because I was too selfish to deal with how I felt about you and too much of a wussy to work through the rest I ran away. And I'm sorry. That was awful of me and you deserved better."

"Ignacio," she said, taking the rest of it in. He'd said it. There were feelings and this was more than just sex and she was...well she was special. At any other time from most other people, it would have sounded like a line. "He's been my friend since we were nine years old. That thing in the Cove? We kissed for a little while, that was all."

She was starting to get so tired of the Cove, of all the insinuations that they made about her and her motivations and even the fact that they said Ed wasn't as good as his brother. Who the hell cared?

"I just...I kind of figured you'd decided you hated me. I sort of...I knew, you know? That this wasn't the way I usually am with people. Hell, I haven't slept with anyone else in months...Just you."

"Wow."

Ed wasn't sure what to say beyond that, just taking it all in. First at the weird relief that she had only kissed Ignacio, only that didn't really matter. What really mattered to him was that she thought he was special too. He hadn't even known that's what he really needed and wanted to hear until she had said it.

Ed just wanted to be special. Not just to anyone but to Audrey.

"I know- I know we're never going to be conventional. I like that. But I want to be something. I don't even care if you sleep with other people, I really don't. I just want to be something special to you because you're something special to me."

It was both a lot to take in and, somehow, perfectly natural-sounding.

"For a long time, I thought that sirens just didn't feel that way about people," Audrey admitted. "Before I knew what I was, I thought I was defective. And then I thought that the reason I'd never fallen in love was because I was a siren."

Only all over town, there were people like Wren Bellamy and Lara Quinn who loved their partners completely, despite also being sirens. So she'd gone back to her theory that she was just defective until she'd realized that she'd felt heartbroken.

"But there's still a 'we' in this. An us." A relationship. Something more committed than friends who had sex. It surprised her what she said next. "I'd like that. A lot."

"You are not defective," Ed said, surprised at how hurt it made him to hear her say that. It wasn't the first time but he thought so much of Audrey to hear her think there was something that wrong with her was painful. He wanted her to see herself like he did, as something amazing.

"Whatever you are, you're not that. And whatever you are, I want part of it to be mine, even though that sounds messed up. Especially since a part of me is definitely yours."

"Yeah, but it was hard to feel like that when I didn't have any other word but that." It still put a lot of warmth in her heart to be defended, even to herself. Gently setting the flowers aside, Audrey leaned over and took his hand, twining her fingers with his.

"I'd like that," she said. Was it really that simple? "You're so different from everyone I've ever been with, you know?"

"I'm just me," Ed said with a shrug. She didn't say that he was better than others, just different. Which was fine. Ed didn't have to be better than anyone, especially if different meant he got to be in a relationship with someone like Audrey. Smiling at her hand he gave her a squeeze.

"You should look closer at those flowers though, there's more in there than just plants."

"Not to me," Audrey said, holding his hand a little tighter. "You're 'just Ed' the way I'm 'just Audrey' to you. You're special." It had taken her a long time to understand that and to be okay with that.

"Oh jeez, what else are you going to spoil me w–" Gently, she parted the blossoms and stared at the tickets. "Really?"

"Yeah, I was thinking I could meet your family?" he said. Which maybe was super presumptuous about how he thought this was going to go but if it went horrible she could take someone else. Or throw them away. Fortunately that wasn't an issue. "And I'd like for you to meet mine sometime. If you want."

Meeting family was something new. Sure, she'd been briefly introduced to the Cabots when she'd played their party, but it had been business not as part of a relationship. The thought was simultaneously flattering and quite intimidating.

"We'd have to go to Boston first. Then to Miami for my ten thousand aunts-and-uncles-by-association. Think you like me enough for the onslaught?"

"We'll go wherever you want to," Ed said, moving over to sit next to her now that things weren't awkward between them. Or maybe it was awkward just in a new way. But why should they do anything different than what they did now? Now they just admitted their feelings.

"I'm not sure how my parents will react. I've never brought a girl home before."

Automatically, like the way they did before, Audrey tucked herself into his side and leaned her head on his shoulder. It felt natural, as if she'd always been meant to fit into his arms like that.

"I'll make sure to look presentable," she promised.

"Just dress like you normally do, it'll be fine," he promised her, snuggling up close and putting his arm around her. This is what he loved about being with Audrey, that they could just sit and snuggle and discuss their future. Not that they'd ever discussed "their" future before, but still.

Honesty took a lot of forms for Audrey. One of those forms meant trying to approach and discuss these kinds of things fearlessly, even if she had a hard time imagining being the kind of person that the Cabots might approve of.

"I just don't want to give anyone a heart attack with my big personality."

"I promise you, you will not shock my parents in any way. They aren't secluded or naive. But thank you for being thoughtful," he said, kissing her forehead. And he knew that's what it was, concern for both him and his parents but he didn't want her to feel like that was necessary.

"I mean, you're going to show up with the most WASP-y guy ever to show your family. How will that go down?"

"You better show up hungry," Audrey warned. She laughed a little, considering how many of her family and extended family by proximity showed love or welcome with food.

But those were concerns for later. Right now, the hard part seemed to be over and she wanted to enjoy the first blush of being in a relationship.

"I need to start improving my tolerance to spicy foods now, don't I?" Ed said with a laugh. Still, the idea of meeting her family really excited him. He wanted to get to know as much of Audrey as was possible.

"Also, I'm thinking of getting my own place, just an apartment in town. You could, you know, leave some stuff there if you wanted..."

"Nah, Filipino food isn't so spicy. Sour, bitter, savory, but not usually spicy. But maybe I'll call ahead, just for you, and tell them to jack of the Thai chilies," Audrey suggested.

That they were talking about this at all and not afraid of it made her strangely optimistic and she smiled, nodding.

"What," she said, looking around at the trailer. "And spend time away from this palace?"

"Just a suggestion," Ed said, not sure if that was Audrey's way of avoiding an answer with a joke. Either way the offer was there and she could do with it as she wanted. He would be happy either way.

"Might be nice. I mean, if you can stand how messy I am." She meant it in a lot of ways. Audrey was loud and ridiculous and it usually left a little destruction in its wake. If Ed was cool with that, then so was she.

"Wait, how many things are we talking about you leaving over?" Ed said, suddenly slightly worried. It wasn't that he was a neat freak, it was just that he had always kept his rooms clean. His mother had always insisted that they clean their rooms before the maid came. The idea of his apartment looking like her RV was going to make him break out in hives.

"Just me, but I'm kind of a disaster at...everything. You might've noticed." She shrugged and reached out, squeezing his hand. "But I can clean up after myself. Probably without pants on. All that good domestic stuff."

"I've noticed you're kind of amazing," he said, turning to face her better and brush some of her hair out of her face. He would defend her to herself as much as necessary. He wouldn't argue everything but he'd remind he that she had good aspects as well.

"And I just like going to sleep and waking up with you."

Audrey paused, taken aback by how earnest and sweet it was. All of the joking aside, she could see it too. It would be different, learning how to wake up with someone on several mornings, figuring out how to curl together or make the coffee.

"That...sounds so nice," she said, a little breathless.

"Really? You're not just saying that because I said it was something I wanted?" he asked. Because he didn't want her to change things just because they were a thing now. He didn't think she would but he wanted to make sure.

"Because I think it'd be nice to wake up with you. Just because," she said. "It's kind of easy to picture, actually. I'll keep a guitar there."

Ed got a goofy smile at that idea. He wasn't sure why that meant a lot to him or made him so happy but it really did. Keeping a guitar at his place seemed special.

"I think I'd like that. I think I'd really like all that, actually," he said, turning to kiss her softly.

The whole world got a little brighter when he smiled like that and Audrey wasn't afraid of that little flip her stomach did this time. She figured it mostly just meant she was happy.

"You and me. A guitar. Maybe I'll let you borrow the cat or something." Or she could just kiss him for the next hour straight.

"You and me. A guitar," he murmured against her lips. It wasn't that he didn't like her cat, he just liked her cat not in his apartment. If he had to take the both of them though he would live with that. "We can have naked performances."

"Very avant garde!"

Audrey laughed and shifted her weight so that she could lie back and pull Ed over her. They could move to her bed or hop in his car and go elsewhere or just stay right here. They had time to decide, because she got to say when she wanted to see him or be near him. Because it was a relationship.

"I'm very artistic like that," Ed said, easily letting himself be pulled on top of her, leaning in to kiss her. She was taking this way, way better than he thought she would. Ed had imagined her resisting or just acting like things were before. This was much better.

The truth, she realized, was that she had missed him. The banter and friendship, aside from the sex and fun, had become something she expected and looked forward to having. Those awkward few weeks had been a little bereft.

"I like us better this way," she decided.

"I'm a big fan of it too. I know it's going to be weird and will take getting used to, but it seems right," Ed said, hoping that wasn't scary for her to hear. He didn't think that it would be though, because so far they'd been on the same page with things.

Audrey laughed and shifted a little. If she packed herself right into the corner, they could almost both lie on the couch and face one another. "I like weird. I like this weird, a lot."

"I like how what's normal for everyone else is weird for us," Ed said with a grin. He didn't know if he ever considered himself all that weird, but if she liked him for the way he was then Ed was content with that.

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No amount of coffee, no amount of crying [For Ed]

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